When Betrayal Leaves You Stuck: Understanding Why and Finding a Way Through

Betrayal trauma can leave you feeling lost, unsure of how to move forward, and caught in an ongoing cycle of pain. Many women I work with describe feeling stuck - longing for clarity and hopeful for change, yet sitting with fear and a very real sense of not knowing… the uncertainty of what’s next, of whether trust can be rebuilt, or how to move forward in a way that feels right.

If this sounds familiar, know that you’re not alone. Feeling stuck is a common experience in betrayal trauma, whether you are still in the relationship and navigating the challenges of rebuilding trust while working through the pain, or if you are separated and trying to make sense of what happened - grappling with the impact, the unanswered questions, and what healing looks like now.

Let’s explore why this happens, what might be contributing to it, and how you can begin finding your way forward with understanding and compassion.

Why am I feeling stuck?
1. The Neurobiology of Trauma

Betrayal isn’t just an emotional wound — it’s also a physical and neurological one. When trust is broken, your brain’s alarm system activates, keeping you on high alert. This constant state of hypervigilance, triggered by the amygdala, can make it hard to process emotions, make decisions, or see a way out of the pain.

Dr. Bessel van der Kolk explains that trauma disrupts our sense of time, making the pain feel immediate and inescapable, even when the betrayal happened in the past. This is your brain’s way of trying to protect you — but it can also keep you feeling stuck.

2. The Attachment Wound

Relationships are meant to be a source of safety and security, but betrayal turns this on its head. When trust is broken, your attachment system — the part of you wired to seek connection and reassurance — is thrown into turmoil.

Sue Johnson, creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy, describes how betrayal taps into primal fears of abandonment and rejection. You may feel torn between wanting to stay for the promise of safety and fearing further harm, creating an emotional tug-of-war that leaves you feeling paralysed.

3. The Role of Addiction or Ongoing Harm

If betrayal is tied to compulsive behaviours like sex or love addiction, the situation can become even more complex. Addiction often perpetuates cycles of secrecy, denial, and broken promises. Without your partner actively seeking help, rebuilding trust can feel like chasing a moving target.

As Michelle Mays explains in The Aftermath of Betrayal, many partners feel stuck because they’re waiting for change that hasn’t yet materialised. This lack of stability can make it impossible to move forward in the relationship or within yourself.

How to Begin Unsticking Yourself

Feeling stuck is not a reflection of failure - it’s a sign of how much has been disrupted. While there’s no quick fix, small steps can help create space for healing and clarity:

1. Recognise Your Body’s Responses

Your nervous system is working hard to protect you. Pay attention to when you’re in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode. Practices like deep breathing, grounding exercises, or simply stepping outside can help bring you back to the present moment.

2. Shift the Focus to Yourself

The work of healing is often subtle. In my clinical work, I’ve seen how small insights or moments of prioritising yourself can become transformative starting points. Considering your own needs, asking what makes you feel safe, or simply allowing space for your feelings doesn’t solve everything overnight - but it creates momentum.

Momentum brings a sense of things moving and changing, even in small ways. It also nurtures a sense of showing up for yourself, demonstrating that you can meet some of your own needs and contribute to your sense of safety. Questions like, “What do I need to feel safe today?” or “What’s one small way I can support myself, no matter what my partner does?” can open the door to healing.

3. Connect with Safe People

Healing happens in relationships that feel safe and supportive. Whether it’s a trusted friend, a therapist, or a support group, sharing your story with people who understand can be incredibly grounding.

4. Honour Your Boundaries

Boundaries are about protecting your well-being, not controlling someone else’s behaviour. Think about what limits you need to feel emotionally and physically safe, and practise holding those boundaries with compassion for yourself.

5. Reflect on Your Relational Needs

If your partner isn’t engaging in recovery or rebuilding trust, it’s okay to reflect on what you need from the relationship. This isn’t about making decisions right away but about honouring your feelings and values.

Finding Hope When You Feel Stuck

Feeling stuck is often a sign that something deeper is asking for attention. It’s not a permanent state but a signal that healing requires time, compassion, and the right support.

You’re not alone in this. Understanding the neurobiology of your trauma, the relational impacts of betrayal, and the dynamics at play in your situation can empower you to take small steps toward healing. Whether it’s calming your nervous system, seeking safe connections, or reflecting on your needs, every effort matters. It starts with small, intentional steps. If you’re feeling stuck and unsure how to move forward, I’d love to help.