Finding Yourself After Betrayal: Reconnecting with Who You Are

When trust is broken, it can feel like you’ve lost a part of yourself.

Betrayal can leave you questioning everything - your past, your worth, and even your sense of identity. You may wonder who you are without the relationship you thought you had or struggle with feelings of shame, doubt, and confusion.

While it may not feel like it now, healing and rebuilding your sense of self is possible. Research in betrayal trauma has shown that recovery involves understanding how betrayal impacts identity and gently reconnecting with the parts of yourself that feel lost (Mays, 2021; Steffens & Means, 2009).

Why Does Betrayal Affect Self-Identity?

When someone you trust betrays you, it can feel like your entire world has shifted. This happens because trust forms the foundation of how we see ourselves and the world around us. Betrayal trauma disrupts that foundation, leaving many people questioning their sense of reality, worth, and safety (Mays, 2021).

Betrayal can come with manipulation, secrecy, or even gaslighting - making you second-guess your instincts and memories. Over time, this emotional confusion can fracture your sense of identity (Steffens & Means, 2009).

You may find yourself asking:

• “How did I not see this coming?”

• “Did I cause this?”

• “Who am I now?”

These thoughts are common - and they reflect the deep emotional impact of relational trauma. But you are not broken and you did not cause this. What happened to you does not define who you are.

How to Reclaim Your Sense of Self

While healing takes time, there are ways to reconnect with who you are:

1. Acknowledge the Experience
   Recognising betrayal as a form of trauma - not a personal failure - is the first step in restoring your self-worth (Steffens & Means, 2009). Naming what happened helps shift blame away from yourself and reframe the experience as something you survived - not something that defines you.

2. Be Kind to Yourself
   Research shows that self-compassion helps ease feelings of shame and rebuild a positive self-view. Offering yourself the same kindness you’d show a friend can disrupt patterns of self-blame and self-criticism (Neff, 2003).

3. Reconnect with What Feels True
   After betrayal, it’s common to feel disconnected from what matters to you. Take small steps to rediscover your core values - the things that feel meaningful and true, even after the hurt (Mays, 2021). This can help anchor you in a sense of purpose and possibility.

4. Lean Into Safe Relationships
   You don’t have to rebuild your identity alone. Supportive relationships - whether with friends, trusted family, or a therapist - can remind you of who you are beyond the pain. Feeling seen, heard, and valued can strengthen your sense of self (Steffens & Means, 2009).
   

Finding Your Way Back to Yourself

You don’t need to be “fixed” - you are already enough.

While reminders of the past may still surface, healing isn’t about erasing what happened. It’s about rewriting how you see yourself - as someone strong, worthy, and capable of moving forward.

With patience, support, and intentional care, you can rediscover who you are.

References

• Mays, M. (2021). The Betrayal Bind: How to Heal When the Person You Love the Most Has Hurt You the Worst. Center for Relational Recovery.

• Steffens, B.A. & Means, M. (2009). Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal. Far Hills, NJ: New Horizon Press.

• Neff, K.D. (2003). Self-Compassion: An Alternative Conceptualization of a Healthy Attitude Toward Oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), pp. 85-101.