Who Am I Now? Navigating Changes in Your Relationship Roles after Betrayal
Betrayal doesn’t just break trust - it can shake your sense of who you are. The role you held in your relationship may feel unrecognisable, disrupted, or even stripped away. You may find yourself questioning, Who am I now? Where do I fit in this relationship?
How Betrayal Disrupts Your Relationship Role
In everyday life, we take on roles - partner, friend, parent, professional - each carrying expectations, routines, and ways of being. Before betrayal, your role as a partner may have been shaped by care, trust, and shared responsibilities. You might have seen yourself as a committed spouse, a reliable co-parent, a confidant, or someone who contributed to the emotional and practical stability of the relationship. Betrayal can unravel these role expectations, leaving you feeling:
Unstable - Unsure of how to relate to your partner or yourself.
Invalidated - Wondering if the love, effort, and commitment you gave even mattered.
Disoriented - Feeling lost without the structure your role once provided.
Disconnected - Unsure how to engage in life when the familiar no longer fits.
Making Sense of the Shift
From an Occupational Therapy perspective, roles aren’t just labels - they shape how we engage with the world. Let’s break this down:
1. What Drives You (Values & Motivation) Betrayal can challenge the values and purpose that once guided you. You might ask:
How do I make sense of what I gave to this relationship?
What still feels important to me in this relationship for right now?
Instead of forcing clarity, give yourself space to explore what still holds meaning.
2. Patterns & Routines (How You Lived Your Role) Your daily life was likely shaped by habits and routines tied to your role. Betrayal can make simple actions - cooking dinner, checking in with your partner, shared traditions feel painful or empty. Instead of avoiding or forcing old routines, consider:
What daily actions feel grounding?
What parts of life still reflect who I am, even if they look a bit different?
3. Engaging in Life Again (Confidence & Choice) Betrayal can shake your confidence — in yourself, your decisions, and even your ability to connect with others. If re-engaging feels overwhelming:
Start small. Tiny choices each day build self-trust.
Acknowledge your agency. You get to decide how and when to engage.
Approach yourself with curiosity, not pressure. Healing isn’t about finding the “right” way forward — it’s about discovering what feels right for you.
Starting to Rewrite Your Role - Without Rushing the Process
There’s no timeline for figuring out who you are beyond betrayal. Instead of forcing a new role, allow space for shifts, grief, and moments of clarity to emerge naturally.
Some ways to support yourself:
Pause without pressure - You don’t have to have the answers right now.
Recognise what remains yours - Your ability to love, care, and engage in life isn’t erased by someone else’s choices.
Make micro-choices - Small, intentional actions create a sense of direction.
Seek spaces that honour your evolving self - Whether through reflection, connection, or support, having space to process can help.
Moving Forward With Self-Compassion
Betrayal may have disrupted the relationship role you knew, but it doesn’t define who you are. Healing isn’t about stepping into a predefined role - it’s about discovering yourself in a way that feels true. However long it takes, you are still you.